Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
