I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
