You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize