i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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