Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
