Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
