why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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