At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
