I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
