my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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