I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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