I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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