hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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