Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
