I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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