You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
