evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
