im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
