Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
