I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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