honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
