I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
