just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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