wrigley field is MILF paradise
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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