I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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