i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
