My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
