He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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