mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Pants are for mortals
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.