I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
