dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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