I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
