Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
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just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
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So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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