Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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