she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a burrito and a hug.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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