saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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