My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
