im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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