Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
