I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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