Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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