dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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