did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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