There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
