They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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