I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
