Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
