Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
