She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
