she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I want her autograph on my taint
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
