Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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