Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
