Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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