I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
