the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
