I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
