Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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