Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
