why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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