So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
