I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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