My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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